You might have noticed that every month during the season a list of the top ten players
in the country is drawn up by the Squash Rackets Association.
If you want to be considered a good egg squashwise it is very important to wheedle your
way onto the list.
One of the best plans is to get to know the cleaning lady who, rumour has it, compiles the
list every first Monday of the month from scraps of information she finds in the
secretary's waste-paper basket.
Or you can keep dropping #10 notes through the S.R.A.'s letter box until someone takes the
hint.
But sadly the truth is that The List is as inaccessible to most of us as a kiss from
Raquel or a trip to the moon.
But do not despair, I bring hope. After a whistle-stop tour round the country I have
produced my list of the BOTTOM TEN players--a collection of untalented, hamfisted,
cross-eyed squash dunces who are so inept at the game they wouldn't recognise a winning
shot if they scored one.
1. Mrs HARDY CLARKE
Comes from one of the most non-sporting families in Spain. Her father, now 91,
still believes a pelota basket is for collecting mushrooms. Once when he was asked to kick
off a local football match in his village he had to be replaced by a substitute because
after five attempts to connect with the ball he fell down exhausted with a severe cramp.
Mrs Clarke plays squash at the family pace refusing at any time to move away from the
forehand service box. She last won a point three years ago in an epic match during a power
black-out. Uses the Japanese pen grip.
2. MARTIN GREGORY
This heavy-weight player, whom I had the good fortune to beat by a walk- over in a club
tournament recently, bases his game on the principle of dominating the court from the tee.
Being 17 stone and only five-foot six inches tall, he can be beaten by almost anyone
without actually moving. One opponent, irked by his lack of effort, suggested testily that
he might be more comfortable if he brought a chair with him and sat out the match in the
centre of the court. However, he is a dangerous player: one day he might slip and crush
someone.
3. DAVID KEARNS
David is a star Fleet Street photographer and a solid prospect for the bottom squash
rankings for some years to come. He has exquisite lack of co- ordination allied to a
sweeping swing that is rarely in danger of connecting with the ball. He plays at the same
club as the top British Amateur, Philip Ayton, and that accentuates his shortcomings. He
is convinced the red spot ball is too slow for players of his standard and feels his game
would improve if he were allowed to play with a balloon. However, he is keen on his game
and ambitious to chalk up a victory in the coming seasons.
4. CELIA CRISP
A delightful lady with a figure somewhere between Sophia Loren and the French Alps but not
what you might describe as a player of merit.
Celia only plays against men and the more soundly she gets beaten the more she seems to
enjoy it. Her total lack of control on court is amply compensated by her expertise at
Apres-Squash.
Her principal undoing is that throughout the match she gazes fondly into her partner's
eyes, disregarding the state of play completely. She would prefer to play with the lights
off arguing that it would not affect her game at all, indeed it would enable her to
exploit her forte--hand to hand fighting.
5. JOHN GRAY
He is known in Middlesex squash as the gentleman of the court. He never claims lets or
penalty points because, he says, he gets far more pleasure by giving them. Frequently he
awards a walk-over to opponents rather than put them through the embarrassing business of
playing him.
Every rally is punctuated with cries of "So sorry... your point", or
"Dear-oh-dear, I didn't mean to hit the ball out of your reach. Let's play the point
again."
He attributes his lack of aggression on court to his up-bringing at a British public
school and to the inherent feeling that if God had wanted him to win squash matches hew
would have put a racket in his hand rather than a silver spoon in his mouth.
6. MICHAEL WILLIAMS
He squeezes in at number six for his unmatchable aptitude for losing concentration. This
is possibly because, as the game continues, his mind becomes increasingly focused on the
thought of a pint of lager at in the bar afterwards. He has been known to put 27
consecutive shots into the tin and then rush from the court to the bar without thanking
his opponent or bothering to pick up his wallet and keys.
7. JOHN EBBLEWHITE
As former Editor of The Squash Player he knows a great deal about the game without
actually putting his knowledge into practice on court. His game is rugby, and frankly it
show on court. He finds difficulty in getting a good grip on the floor with studded boots
and loses many penalty points through foul tackles. He has been warned off several courts
for shouting and for getting his foot up too early in a rally. He does, however, move
about the court like a bull and has the strength to intimidate opponents, especially in
the rucks.
8. HERBERT SMITH
(not his real name for reasons of compassion). This non-player put up what must be the
most futile squash performance in history. I felt like a voyeur just watching. He was
having his first lesson from the professional at a London club. Sixteen times the pro
knocked the ball gently towards him. Sixteen times he missed it. It shot through his legs,
between his arms and body, over his head, to his left, to his right, and once it caught
him on the knee. He waved his racket at it with the air of a man intent on avoiding
contact at all cost.
When the pro invited him to serve ("You'll probably find it easier," he said
encouragingly) he picked up the ball, swung his racket in a gentle arc and then looked
balefully at his mentor. "It's the custom in squash", said the professional,
"to release the ball prior to making the stroke."
9. EDDIE WALPOLE
It's rather unfair to include Eddie in this list because not only is he a resolute member
of the Hornsey Squash Club friendly team, but he's a nice fellow and dead keen on his
squash. But he had the misfortune to have an off- night and I beat him 9-0, 9-0, 9-0 in a
match and anyone who allows that to happen must qualify for this list.
10. HARDY CLARKE
I have included myself partly because I've always wanted to get into the rankings, partly
because it will probably make Eddie Walpole feel better.
