Spot the Player
Squash Clubs are inhabited by characters. They fall into a number of
categories, and every club is sure to have obvious candidates for at least some of these
categories. How many of these can you spot in your club?
Definitions lifted for the most part from 'Squash Balls' by Barry
Meyer.
THE TRIPLE THREAT
This is the almighty squash player that, while playing squash, offers his opponents
three perspectives: (1) player, (2) referee, and (3) coach (1) as a player, he may qualify
as a B- player, but, (2) you can bet the score will be questioned at least three times
during a match with substantial time taken to argue/discuss, and, (3) you miss a shot
because of extreme frustration and, guess what, he will first identify your error and
begin to tell you how to correct your error. Note: item (2) generally follows item (3). DudleyBH@aol.com
The Juggler
Always juggling scores to slide ahead. suddenly points are reversed in his favor. fully
aware of his tactic, this person will do well as a corporate accountant.
Inkipo@aol.com
The Dropper
This player constantly is doing drop shots about 90 percent of the time. The players drops
the ball from everywhere in the court even from the back of the court. When this player
has his drop shot on he can be unbeatable but when his drop shots start hitting the tin,
this player will lose games very badly. On the rare occasion that this player drives the
ball, he often scores winners because he has caught his opponent by suprise. kevin campbell.
The Puzzler
Spends all of his time insisting on rules and regulations that you have never heard of. Do
not fear in front of a judge because he is actually quite unsure about these rules. He
will be quiet and will mess up shots because of all of the conflicting theories running
around in his head. Neil&Peter Dekker.
The happy optimist
Has little understanding of the cruel tactic
schemes more experienced players construct to ensure his inevitable defeat. He will, in a
happy tone of voice, start every point (he will normally be recieving) with an optimistic
statement like; "this point will be mine" or "now I know how to trap
you" etc..... Fortunately he will very rarely prove himself right. His optimistic
constitution prevents him from noticing the cruel smile slowly turning into a full face
grin on his opponents face.
After the game you can be sure that he will express a strong belief that the "next
time" you will not win, and definitely not with such humiliating scores. This, by the
way, is also the typical response that the optimist gives his wife when confronted with
the childish and irrelevant question; "who won?".
The optimist is the ideal squash partner as he combines a sporting spirit with an
inevitable loss. Treat him with parental care, and never tell him how small his chances
actually are of ever winning a match. Thanks to Poul Haestrup
The Diver
The Diver is the player who holds the point at
hand in such high regard that he is willing to sacrifice life and limb, (not only his but
yours too), to keep a tough return in play. When he goes to launch himself, and you happen
to be in has path, well I suppose that it can only be a let , and bad luck for you at
that. It may sometimes be possible to 'con' a diver into mistakenly attacking a ball tight
to the wall, but I couldn't possibly recommend this unless you're well down in the fifth
...Thanks to Aron Allenson
The Racket-Breaker
Half of the broken rackets decorating the wall are his handiwork. Takes a positive pride
in smashing his bat and assumes the rest of the club hold him in awe because of it.
The Old Colonial
You name it, he's played there. Give him half a chance and he'll tell you about his game
against the legendary `King Khan' at the Punjab Club in Lahore.
The Exerciser
King of the Locker Room, where he demonstrates vast numbers of press-ups and sit-ups
before the game in an attempt to psyche you out. Fortunately he's less good at hitting the
ball and is usually far too knackered to cause much damage.
The Caveman
The archetypal primitive, motivated purely by bloodlust. Kicks the door shut as he arrives
on court and goes around testing the strength of the walls.
The Scrambler
More of a danger to himself than you. Most of his wounds are self-inflicted as he charges
after everything. Even if you're losing it's worth hanging in there - with any luck he'll
be carried off before the end.
The Knock-up Hog
Maximises his chances by not letting his opponent get his eye in during the knock-up.
Plays the ball to himself for a while then suddenly hits an unreturnable shot to you,
perhaps muttering `Oh, all right then, I'll carry on.''
The Ball-Warmer
Believes the secret of the game is to get the ball to just the right temperature for his
game and is always rubbing it between points. Will invariably have brought along his own
`special' ball and will insist on playing with it.
The Trigonometrist
All angles, boasts and reverses. Looks impressive but often gets so carried away with his
strokemanship he forgets to play winners.
The Exhibitionist
Similar type to above, often found in pairs. Has superb touch and doesn't really mind who
wins the point. It's how the shot looked, especially to the gallery, that counts.
The Slugger
Believes the game is all about how hard you can hit the ball. Drills holes in the tin and
needs to have his rackets strung weekly. Iy you happen to get in the way, well that's just
bad luck
The Lobber
Lobs everything based on the theory that by keeping the ball slow it will be more
responsive to his subtler shots. Spends so much time lobbing though, that he's forgotten
how to play these, and the occasional drop shot always bites the tin.
The Rugger-Bugger
Plays Squash to get fit for rugby. Unfortunately no-one has told him the basic difference,
ie Squash is a `non-contact' sport. Spends a lot of time squashing you against the wall
and making you run around him as he hogs the T or wherever else he feel s like.
The Obstructor
He knows that you're supposed to make every effort to get OUT of the way, but this guy
always seems to be just where you DON'T want him to be. It's rarely bad enough to get a
stroke for, so you're always tempted to play on ...
The Tennis Player
Not too difficult an opponent apart from his almighty back-swing and straight-armed
follow-through. Often plays the ball down the middle for fear of hitting it out if it goes
too near the side walls.
The Casualty
The Walking Wounded. Arrives with assorted parts of his body bandaged and reeking of
Ralgex. Don't be fooled, he wouldn't be playing if he was in such a bad way as he makes
out.
The Roof-Climber
Always clambering up in the rafters or organising human pyramids to look for lost balls.
Would probably be happier as a rock-climber.
The Time-Waster
Every rally becomes a game in its own right as he wanders around between points, fails to
pick up the ball three times, constantly ties his laces and is never quire ready for your
serve.
The Moaner
Always complaining about something. The ball is too fast or too slow, it's impossible to
see with that light out, it's suicidal to play with such a damp floor, etc, etc. A bit of
a bore, but provides you with handy excuses if you happen to lose.
The Slinger
Has been told by a coach to use a loose grip, which means that all too frequently his
racket will come flying in your direction. May of course be using this as a terror tactic.
The Wall-Hugger
Plays `clingers' up and down the wall all the time, and expects you to do the same. Gets
very upset when you hit a cross-court that forces him to change sides and start hitting
down the other wall.
The Loser
The club masochist. Works at failure very hard and would probably be very put out if he
won a game. Always says he can't understand it, but never seems to get any better.
The Retriever
Fittest man in the club. More of a long-distance runner than a squash player. He just
keeps `pooping' the ball back to try to take the sting out of your shots, but rarely has
any winning shots himself. Whether you get a result depends on whether you can put the
ball away.
The Groper
Never seems to rise as high in the club leagues as he should. He prefers to languish in
the lower echelons terrorising the club's female population.
The Mutterer
Spends most of the time mumbling and cursing beneath his breath - `Rubbish', `Come on',
`Watch the ball', `that's more like it'. No need to worry - he never actually follows
these instructions to himself.
The Analyst
Spends hours after the game working out what went wrong, why his favourite shots didn't
seem to have quite their normal `bite', and why your normally innocuous shots caused him
so much trouble tonight.
The Driller
Frequently plays solo, for hours at a time in order to rehearse his drills and set-piece
combinations. The problem is that while he can do all of these perfectly on his own, he
can never pull them off in a match or in front of a crowd.
The Zennist
Not much interested in the score and doesn't much mind losing. Just puts it all down to
experience and `the learning process'. Will probably go off between games to `park' his
mind and chant a mantra.
The Nick-Hitter
Has an ambition to transform the game by being able to kill the ball dead in the nick
every time, and spends all his time practicing hitting the ball into the crack. No-one at
the club is too worried for the moment.
The Flatterer
Always gives you the benefit of the doubt, ever eager to pay tribute to your shots and
frequently mistakes the score in your favour. He may have been told you turn into a wild
animal when roused, but watch him carefully when the game gets tight.
The Salesman
Comes to do business as much as to play squash. May, after a long rally, ask you if you
have enough life insurance. Let him think he can sell you an extra policy - there's a fair
chance he'll let you win.
The Tantrum-Thrower
The Club McEnroe. Unfortunately he has the tantrums but not the talent. Believes he has to
be `on the boil' to get his game going, and needs an audience for his cursing and
racket-bashing. Fortunately he devotes more energy to working himself up than he does to
winning the points.
The Veteran
May look as if he's just having a final arthritic fling at the ball, but he is not to be
underestimated. He learnt to play `before the war', and has enough sneaky unorthodox shots
to add you to his list of victims.
The Junior
Knows more about the game already than you are likely to learn in a playing lifetime, and
will run forever to get your supposed winners and blast them back past you. Fortunately he
will probably fade away once he discovers girls and booze.
